Gism Butter

I have never been so overpowered by impatience in all my life. The things that are brewing in my life now are slow cooking recipes. I am working towards a culmination of things. Right now as I write this, I am resting my laptop on some dude’s suitcase. He is sitting on BART with his wife, come back into town from SFO. They are staring at me, and I am surrounded by people who are probably straining eyes over their shoulders with ideas of what I am writing. Wondering if it is about them, or if it is the insane self ramblings of a deranged and self-centered mind. The latter is obviously the case.

And it is here that I write to you loyal reader that I am filled with desire, plans, ideas. How not to do things, msotly. And an open mind towards doing. BART always helps the brain. I think it’s the pressure of the tunnel below the bay.

And it is here, that I am overwhelmed by opportunity. A man I once called friend gave me that phrase. Today, I fully realize its meaning.

Anyway, I am about to hit the age of 2^5. That’s my penultimate power of two. Wow. I guess I am now old enough to impart wisdom. I’m happy. I guess that means I can give advice on being happy.

1: Golden rule: do unto others and such. Totally rad and relevant. Can get messy when values clash, but it’s generally 100% useful.

2: Be yourself. You will not understand this bit of advice until you understand yourself. Give it 20 years or so. Maybe more. I didn’t get this one until I fell in love and someone was there to tell me that my tendencies were OK and not annoying. Love is really acceptance at its core.

3: Remember everyone’s names. This is tough, but there is a way to do it. A trick: when you meet someone for the first time, make sure you say their name back to them, then say it 3 more times while talking to them and looking them in the eye or face. You will feel like a dick, like you are superficial, but this is infinitely preferable to not knowing their name the next time you meet them. You will be surprised. If you repeat their name to them and look at their face, the brain just remembers. The hardest part is forcing yourself to believe this second impulse that says “Hey, that’s Steve!” Trust me, if you repeat their name three times while looking them in the face, the name will just come to you when you see them again. It’s kinda magic.

And people’s names are magic. Like Dale Carnegie said, a person’s name is like music to their ears. They will love you if you know their name, and hate you if you forget it. Really try the above tactic. I am someone who mixes up doods and ladies in movies all the time, and have a horrible problem with names/faces. But the above trick works. Use it. Learn it. Live it. Remember everyone’s name. The janitor, the homeless dood, the sandwich guy, yer coffee girl. Everyone. This is super duper helpful. Get over yourself, and do it.

4: Always squeeze the hell out of the other guy’s hand while shaking it. A degree of discretion is advised, but when you meet some Texas oil tycoon at a party, he will be very impressed when you both squeeze like fucking maniacs. For women, just give a as firm a handshake as you can, in business situations, a I feel a limp hand in a business meeting signifies you’re being there as window dressing (read: PR).

You don’t have to go overboard, men nor women. Just be sure your handshake is very firm. Like, really, really firm. If you think it’s too much, it’s just right, unless you’re some sort of steroid case. It sounds weird, but if you give someone else a slight bit of pain when the meet you and you tell them your name, they remember you better, and they remember you as a strong, independent person. That is, provided you also:

5: Look people in the eye as often as possible. Be weird about it. It puts other people off, and you will instantly know who is weak and who is strong. Don’t be mean. Smile while doing it. Toothy, open mouth smile. But don’t hide your eyes. Look everyone in the eye. Even bums on the street. This is the single most important bit of advice in this list. It is a very basic way to show people that you are alive, human, conscious and confident. This is HUGE in business. Sales too. Do it. It gives you power.

6: Never leave something undone. If you say you’re going to do it, fucking well do it, and fast. Be scary about it. Tell that person you think X, Y, Z should be done, then go do them that night and email them about it. Nothing scares business people like a person who actually does things. It makes them sit up and take notice, even if everything you’ve done is in entirely the wrong direction. Just don’t make a habit of the wrong direction stuff.

7: Do not seek the spotlight. Only idiots want to be famous, and they get ripped apart by said fame. Be the guy or gal behind the scenes. If you are radical ninja (yes, not “a radical ninja,” the term is just “radical ninja”) you will get the recognition you deserve. Do not desire fame. Only pain comes from fame, unless the fame is on your terms. Be Warhol, not (insert reality TV person here).

8: Criticism is essential. Listen to people who hate you. Fix what they call out. Unless they are bigots or idiots. If you get fired, learn from it.  If someone says no, figure out why. Learn from mistakes, do not wallow in them.

9: Your social network is offline. Facebook and LinkedIn mean nothing. Go have a beer with that important contact. Send a thank you card to that lady at company X who you met. Be physically active. Facebook, Twitter and LinkedIn really only exist to show your future employer that you are an idiot, or that you are discrete. Your digital friend network is useful for information, but real world contacts are much, much more important. Go drinking with your IRC buddies. Play paintball with your Facebook pals. Get out there and meet people, press flesh, laugh together.

10: Have goals. If you have a goal, you will achieve it eventually. You simply need to have that goal. It’s better to make them big, as it’s tough to come up with new ones when you’ve finally bought that new Ford, or MacBook Air. Dream big, and hold onto those dreams. They will come true, and it will never happen how you expect it to. The universe takes care of those who are positive and determined.

11: Be happy. If you are reading this, you are part of the wealthiest, most privileged peoples in the history of the universe! Rejoice at the ease of your life and opportunities before you! The sweat of your brow is free to you, and of the greatest cost to others. Do not give it away cheaply.